The Ancient War That Spells Our Doom
Recent translations of sandstone tablets recovered from a dusty tomb have blown the lid off of the world’s oldest and darkest secret. If you aren’t sitting down, we can make no promises or assurances about your safety as you continue reading. Things are about to get real, friend.
An ancient war has raged eternal between the items placed in kitchen cabinets and those placed in bathroom cabinets.
We know how ridiculous this sounds.
We know how frightening this sounds.
Our translators and analysts had to double- and triple-check their work before they were confident in their findings. Their first thought was that the scribes of those ancient tablets had to be either insane or incredibly high. But as we equipped retired SEAL operatives with night vision goggles and motion sensors in a handful of kitchens throughout residential hotspots in the U.S., our healthy disbelief evaporated. Unfortunately, the wet spots on our hired mercenaries’ trousers have yet to dry.
What they observed was a nightly battle between some of the most mundane items you could imagine, emerging from cabinets not unlike the brooms in the HBO war documentary Fantasia. They seemed to largely ignore the human soldiers, unless they got in their way. When that happened, it was a massacre.
From common household ferns to bottles of drain cleaner, they hopped forth imperially from their cabinet hidey holes and then headed on a path of destruction for their enemies. For reasons beyond understanding, the kitchen cabinet items and the bathroom cabinet items hate each other with the passion of a thousand burning suns.
The evidence is beyond conclusive. But where did it start? And where does it end?
We Didn’t Start the Fire
Modern cabinets are only the latest vessel in this timeless struggle. We have inherited a terror that appears to predate the Pyramids, Hammurabi’s Code, and the IRS.
From what our crack team of scholars can discern in the ancient scripts, items came to life in even the oldest storage spaces. Some cave wall drawings depict a Neandertal running screaming from some sticks dancing out of a winter cache they had dug into the ground. Why were they storing sticks in the first place? “Probably to eat,” a dietician on our staff tells us.
Some worn hieroglyphs show canopic jars bounding forth from Egyptian burial chambers, seeking out cleaning products to destroy. Aside from the massive embarrassment this must have caused the embalmers, their confusion over the source of the jars’ rage must have been profound. Our dietician piped up to tell us that the canopic jars were actually storing food. She has since been fired.
Evidence of this unnatural animation continues through history, popping up across the globe in old texts and commonly dismissed as the raving of lunatics. In some cases, humans appeared to interact favorably with these otherworldly soldiers. With what we know now, we even believe Pinocchio to be a documentary about a man terrorized by a wooden doll he had stored in a pantry. As ever, Disney has whitewashed the tale into a friendly one where Gepetto was not eaten alive by the dummy.
Why Do They Fight
Understanding this phenomenon and responding appropriately involves knowing their motives. Getting an idea of their impulses. And in the case of animated clocks wielding machetes, what makes them tick.
The best we’ve come up with is that there is some apocalyptic future that their war will determine the outcome of. But who is on the side of good? Who are the villains? Only one side can prevail, and we don’t know who the rightful winners should be.
We hope that as new soldiers in this war are revealed, that more information will come to light about their sides. Are the kitchen warriors the ultimate fighters in defense of humankind? Or is it the bathroom soldiers championing our future? Your guess is as good as ours.
It’s Time to Pick a Side
One thing has become overwhelmingly clear: this has got to stop. Aside from all of the noise keeping us up at night, we’re losing a lot of money on cleaning products and kitchen supplies. We are involuntary recruiters and funders of this ancient conflict, and we’ve had enough.
We have a plan.
It’s not going to be pretty. War is hell. But we need it to end so that we can get a full night’s sleep again.
We’re going to start escalating this war by adding fuel to the fire. Putting new and exotic items into the cabinets until one side wins. And cross our fingers that the winning side doesn’t turn its savagery on us next.
Everyone has to choose a side.